The Psychology of Drama: Why We Sabotage our Own Peace


Today, we're addressing a topic that’s as universal as it is intriguing: drama. No, I'm not talking about stage plays or reality TV, but the drama we inadvertently create in our own lives. Let's delve deeper into why our days sometimes seem like a soap opera and explore how we can rewrite the plot.

This blog will give you: 

  • An introduction to understanding the drama we create in our lives.

  • Some key biological and psychological mechanisms that drive to sabotage our own peace.

  • The first steps you need to take to stop that drama! 

Decoding Drama

We all create drama in our lives from time to time.

I am referring to those moments when we amplify the tension in our lives to levels that outstrip the actual situation. It's when the simmering pot of everyday life events suddenly boils over, turning minor inconveniences into major catastrophes. It's the moment a friend's delayed text response snowballs into an imagined betrayal, or when a momentarily stalled car is perceived as a testament to our chronic misfortune.

Sound familiar?

If you are nodding along thinking… “uh oh, I have those moments!”. Don’t worry. Like I said, we all do this, and the fact you are aware of it shows you are already on the path to overcoming it.

Psychological Reasons For The Drama We Create In Our Relationships

The main psychological theory used to explain interpersonal drama is called The Drama Triangle, a brilliant game-changing psychological model - put forward by Steve Karpman - that I cannot wait to tell you about in the future, and that I discuss in great lengths in (Un)Stuck: 5 steps to Break Bad Habits and Get Out of Your Own Way.

However, in my experience, many people find the drama triangle a bit of a leap when they first learn about the unintentional drama and conflict they cause in their lives. So, in this post, we are going to discuss 3 ways our brain causes us to create drama that I think we can all relate to.

A quick bit of biology before we get going…

At the heart of the kinds of ‘drama’ we are going to discuss today, is our brain's survival mechanism: the fight or flight response. Engineered anytime we predict that there is a potential threat on the horizon. For our ancestors’ the threat was a tiger, running out of food or exile. For you and I, a threat could be anything that could actually put an end to our lives, or it could be something we simply worry could be threatening. This means, the amygdala, the brain's alarm system, can sometimes confuse a minor critique from your boss with a predator's attack or the wheels of an oncoming truck, setting the stage for an unnecessary overreaction.

And, as you will see in the next section of this blog post, these overreactions are particularly likely to happen when we feel conflicted, fearful of failure and the judgment of others, and when trying to make sense of other people’s behaviour.

3 Psychological Theories You Need To Know About

  1. Cognitive Dissonance Theory: This theory states that we experience high levels of discomfort when there is a conflict between our beliefs. values, or attitudes, and our actions. And, that we will do whatever we can to get rid of the discomfort - even if this involves creating a little drama.

    Ever find yourself in a tiff because someone pointed out your actions didn't match your beliefs? For example, if you identify as a fitness enthusiast but succumb to the allure of fast food, you might stir up a conflict with a friend who brings attention to your lapse, all to alleviate your internal unease.

  2. Self-Handicapping: The psychological idea of ‘Self-handicapping’ refers to any behavior where individuals intentionally put obstacles in their own way to provide an excuse in case they fail.

    Sometimes, we create drama in order to circumvent responsibility or to safeguard ourselves from potential failure. For example, if you have a major project due, you may find yourself picking a fight with a colleague or your partner. Now, if your project falls short of expectations, you have a ready excuse – the argument threw you off your game.

  3. Fundamental Attribution Error: This is the human tendency to attribute others' actions to their character rather than to situational factors. It isn’t something we choose to engage in. It is down to the way our brain makes sense of the world. And, this is a notorious drama instigator.

    For instance, when your friend is late to your dinner date, instead of considering a delayed subway or a last-minute work crisis, you may find yourself assuming that their behaviour is because they are inconsiderate, suddenly you feel annoyed due to the time you have been waiting around AND ALSO because you feel disrespected.

It is important to note that when we engage in these kinds of drama, we are rarely doing it intentionally.

In fact, we are rarely even aware that something strange has happened until we find ourselves in the midst of a conflict (that we are pretty confident we did not start).

What you can do about it?

Here are some initial steps you can take to ease the drama in your life.

  1. Be honest with yourself. Being aware of our tendencies towards drama is the first step in minimizing it. So, take a moment to reflect: Do you frequently find yourself in the role of the victim in different scenarios? Do small disagreements escalate into major altercations? If the answers to the questions don’t come to mind easily, consider spending the next 24 hours looking for moments where cognitive dissonance, self-handicapping, and fundamental attribution error, trick you into creating drama. Do this without judgment, we are simply wanting to set up an awareness practice.

  2. Slow everything down. Changing our dramatic patterns is a gradual process, but entirely within our grasp. Mindfulness can be incredibly beneficial, as it creates pauses between our emotional response and our actions. It allows us to observe what is happening, without getting swept away by the heat of the moment. If you would like a simple mindful awareness practice to start trying today, click here. Mindfulness is not a quick fix as it is a muscle that needs building, but the sooner you start the sooner you will be able to flex your new-found skills.

  3. Practice stress management techniques. Have you noticed that you are more likely to overreact when already having a bad day? Stress can heighten our sensitivity to potential threats, often leading to over-dramatization. Therefore activities such as exercise, deep breathing, yoga, and even hobbies that help you unwind can significantly dial down the drama.

Remember, this is just an introductory blog. We are going to talk more about drama and how to overcome it in future blog posts. If you want to ensure you are notified of upcoming blogs, subscribe to my newsletter and you will be sent the blogs as soon as they come out. Or, if you are ready to do a deep dive right now, pre-order a copy of (Un)Stuck: 5 Steps to Break Bad Habits and Get Out of Your Own Way.

Some final words…

We all have an innate capacity for drama – it's woven into our biology and our psychology. However, this doesn't mean we're doomed to a life of incessant conflict and exaggeration. By understanding the mechanisms that fuel our dramatic responses and being proactive in implementing changes, we can shift our storyline towards one of peace and stability.

Remember, it's perfectly okay, and quite human, to occasionally lose yourself in the heat of the moment. But the real victory lies in acknowledging these instances and learning from them. So here's to less drama and more tranquillity in our lives!

Stay tuned to this space for more such deep dives into our minds. And as always, remember, understanding our minds is the first step to improving our lives.

Next on our agenda: 

I am a Clinical Psychologist trying to get effective psychological advice out of the therapy room and into everyday life.

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Sophie Mort