Confidence vs Self-Esteem - What’s the difference?
We often believe that people who seem extremely confident in their abilities, have high powered jobs, speak multiple languages or win olympic medals must feel so proud of themselves.
Or that people who are confident in their opinions and have lots to say on every matter they are presented with, must hold themselves in high regard.
Yet, have you ever met someone who looked like they were killing it on paper, so good at their job, so loved by many, always in control of any scenario they find themselves in, and then found out they were insecure, and unsure that they are deserving of love and affection behind that confident exterior?
So many people considered extremely confident feel deeply insecure.
How is that possible?
Because confidence is not the same as self esteem.
This blog will tell you:
The difference between confidence and self esteem.
Why you are unlikely to improve your self esteem by gaining new skills, changing your body, or another aspect of your life that you don’t feel confident about.
One way to improve your self esteem now.
What is confidence and what is self esteem?
Confidence means having faith in your abilities. Knowing that you can trust in your skills to manage the task you have in front of you. For example, you can be a confident pianist, writer, public speaker or cook.
You can be confident in one or many areas, and not in others. Or feel confident in all of your abilities, knowing that you can take on challenging tasks, certain that even if it’s tough you will find a way to succeed.
For example, I am a confident psychologist. I know that whatever new client I meet, or whatever someone brings to my sessions, I will be able to support them. Even if I don’t have the answers they require immediately, I know we will get there together with time. Yet, I am not a confident cook and cannot be sure that extended periods in the kitchen will lead to a delicious meal.
Self esteem means believing in your worth. It means appreciating yourself regardless of what is happening in your life, what you are or aren’t good at, or what flaws you perceive you have.
When you have good self esteem you are likely to believe you deserve to be treated well in relationships, making you able to ask for what you want and need. You are likely to believe you can make good decisions, such as leaving people who don’t treat you with the respect you deserve. You can be realistic about your abilities and your shortcomings without overly criticising yourself. And therefore, you are likely to bounce back quickly from difficult times.
Can you see how this is different to confidence?
My confidence in my ability as a psychologist doesn’t mean that I feel good about myself all the time, worthy just as I am when I meet a new friend or lover, or look in the mirror and see a ‘perceived flaw’.
The difference I have described here is why we should never assume that people who walk with a confident stride, or have many medals to their name, have high self esteem.
A common problem - Trying to boost self esteem by building our confidence.
As few of us know the difference between confidence and self esteem…
When we are worried we aren’t good enough, or don’t feel accepting of who we are (low self esteem), we often try to solve this problem by buying new clothes that impress others, working harder at our jobs, going on a diet or doing another activity that we think will make us feel more confident in a certain area.
We try to boost our esteem by boosting our confidence.
This makes sense. And often does work in the short term.
A new outfit has the ability to make me feel like a million bucks. A finished piece of work that gains the praise of others causes me to feel a little taller.
However, these feelings are short-lived.
As a teenager I wondered why these experiences didn’t make me feel more sure of myself. Or more worthy of love. I also wondered why, the moment the glow wore off, my confidence and self assurance wore off too.
I know I am not the only person who feels this because I work with people in my clinic, every day, who exude confidence in certain areas of life, and get a buzz every time they achieve a new success that reinforces their excellence in their job, but who struggle with feeling truly worthy in their personal lives. Particularly when the post success buzz wears off.
So, if confidence doesn’t sustainably boost self esteem what do we do?
Focus on ALL the areas that build self esteem
Self esteem is made up of:
Self-confidence
Feeling of security
Identity
Sense of belonging
Feeling of competence.
Don’t give up on trying to get good at activities that please you, a confidence boost is not a bad place to start. However, also make sure you concentrate on these other key areas too.
For example, when thinking about the other areas of self esteem you could:
Focus on security: Ask yourself ‘Do you feel secure in life at the moment? In your career, friendships, life as a whole? If not, what needs to change?’ - Self esteem is not only an inside job. It depends on us having a good support network who show us continuous care. Therefore, consider the people you have around you too.
Focus on your identity: Ask yourself ‘Do you feel like you are sure of who you are (i.e. solid in your identity?)’. If not, read this blog post on identity and nurture the many pieces of who you are.
Pro-tip: Work out what your values are - the qualities of life that are important to you - so you know what a ‘good life’ looks like for you, and what you need to do to be truly sure of your identity. ‘A Manual For Being Human’ will explain how you do this effectively.
Focus on belonging: Do you feel like you belong? In your social life? In work? Do you feel like the people around you support you and affirm you? Who or where makes you feel most supported and cared for?
We view ourselves through the eyes of others. If we can see affection in our friends and support network we are most likely to believe we are ‘good’ people. Start to weed out the people who undermine you, they are affecting your esteem. Tell them that you are not ok with being criticised and ask for what you need instead. This blog post will share with you how to set these kinds of boundaries. Also, seek out people who are not afraid to be flawed and who love you for your perceived flaws too.
Focus on competence. Instead of asking whether you feel like a competent human, let’s flip that question to ‘are you kind to yourself?’ And/or ‘are you able to think calmly and clearly when stressors arise or does your brain terrify you with thoughts of things that often don’t end up happening?’
If you are hypercritical to yourself, and know you get caught in many negative thinking patterns, you will benefit from starting a self-compassion practice, learning how to challenge your negative thought patterns and tendency to over-predict what could go wrong.
These steps require a little more explanation, so simply start with a simple compassion practice such as, asking yourself “how would I treat a friend in this position?”, offering yourself the words and actions you would offer them instead of the nasty words our inner critic reserves just for us.
That’s it!
While feeling confident is great, having healthy esteem is better. It is the key to feeling happier in life.
Self esteem is built during our childhood but it is never too late to improve our self esteem. I promise you.
This blog post is a jumping off point, a place to start your journey to valuing yourself more highly. If you want more, pre-order a Manual For Being Human now. It will show you (amongst many other things) how :
To identify what may be getting in the way of your self esteem.
To understand and overcome your inner critic as well as any other negative thinking patterns, such as the very human tendency to overthink everything.
To create a value-driven life that you feel proud of and that nurtures your belief in yourself.
To develop a community of people who build you up.
Many more important psychological skills that will make you know you are a brilliant and worthy human, just as you are!
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I am a Clinical Psychologist trying to get effective psychological advice out of the therapy room and into everyday life.
If you found this article useful and want to learn more about why you feel the way you do, and how to cope with whatever life throws at you… Pre-order my book “A Manual For Being Human”, described as ‘Crucial and Life Changing’ which is out on July 8th.
Also, connect with me on Instagram for daily posts to help boost your mood.
