5 unexpected reasons we create drama in our relationships and how to stop this drama
Today, we're continuing our conversation about drama, but this time talking about the times drama and conflict arises in our relationships, and how and why we may not be aware of this happening.
Relationships are complex and dynamic, and sometimes they can be a source of unnecessary drama. By the end of this blog you will:
Be able to identify five unexpected reasons why we create drama in our relationships
Know the initial steps to breaking free from these patterns.
Why do we create drama?
In the previous blog, (The Psychology of Drama: Why We Sabotage our Own Peace) we discussed some of the core reasons why we create drama in our relationships, and how we rarely do it as we want to complicate our lives. When it comes to creating drama in our relationships, it is no different. Ok, so, sometimes we start arguments because we are bored, or because we want to test how our partner feels about us, and this kind of drama should be avoided at all costs as it creates rifts rather than the connection we are craving for. However, sometimes the drama we create comes not from misattempt at gaining connection, but arises solely because of the way our brains have evolved.
Most people who write about relational drama focus on the psychological idea of The Drama Triangle. This is indeed an important driving cause of drama that we all need to know about, and so, we will visit this in future posts HOWEVER before we get there it is important to address the drama that arises purely due to the way our brain shapes the world.
Let’s go.
5 ways our brain causes drama in our relationships
1. My-Side Bias (Confirmation Bias):
One of the fundamental reasons we unintentionally end up in drama in our relationships is my-side bias or confirmation bias. This is a human bias that affects us all unless we get savvy to its ways.
My side bias refers to our tendency to seek out information that confirms our existing beliefs while disregarding or downplaying evidence that contradicts them. In essence, we interpret any data we encounter in the world, recall memories from our past, and even engage in conversations in a way that confirms our preconceived notions. Drama then ensues as we argue over things we think are happening and then we think have been said… when they haven’t happened and haven’t been said!
For instance, if one person in a relationship believes their partner is not supportive enough, they may selectively notice and remember instances when their partner didn't offer support. At the same time, they might overlook or downplay occasions when their partner did provide support. This biased perception can fuel resentment and conflict, as the partner feels misunderstood and unfairly judged.
Or, if one person in a relationship believes their partner is not supportive enough, they may selectively notice and remember instances when their partner didn't offer support. At the same time, they might overlook or downplay occasions when their partner did provide support. This biased perception can fuel resentment and conflict, as the partner feels misunderstood and unfairly judged.
2. Fundamental Attribution Error:
Another reason we create drama in our relationships is the presence of the fundamental attribution error. We touched on this in the previous blog but now we will dig a little deeper.
This cognitive bias occurs when we attribute the behavior of others to their inherent traits or personality, while attributing our own behavior to situational factors. In other words, we tend to assume that other people’s mistakes reflect who that person is, whereas we tend to know that if we make a mistake it’s solely a mistake and not a moral failing.
For example, if one partner in a relationship forgets to complete a task or arrive on time for an important event, the other partner may automatically assume that they are lazy or irresponsible. They might fail to consider that the forgetful partner was dealing with a demanding workload, experienced distractions, or encountered unforeseen circumstances. This attribution error can create conflict and resentment, as the accused partner feels unjustly labeled and their efforts to explain or rectify the situation are dismissed.
Or,if a couple is having an argument, and one partner raises their voice or becomes visibly frustrated... The other partner may immediately attribute this behavior to the person's character, assuming they are inherently angry or hostile. They may overlook the fact that the frustrated partner had a long and stressful day at work or received upsetting news earlier, which could be influencing their behaviour. This attribution error can lead to conflict, as the partner who is labelled as angry or aggressive may feel unfairly judged and misunderstood.
As you can see, the fundamental attribution error can lead to misunderstandings, misinterpretations, and unnecessary conflicts within relationships. By assuming negative traits or intentions in others, we contribute to the creation of drama that may not be warranted.
3. Naive Realism:
Naive realism is a cognitive bias that most of us experience, often unintentionally. It manifests as a belief that our experience of reality is the reality itself.
People tend to view their thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions as unquestionable facts, assuming that others who have differing opinions or viewpoints are misinformed, biased, or lazy in some way. AND, it causes conflict for other reasons as when someone challenges our version of reality, it can trigger a defensive response, as it threatens our sense of certainty and control.
I don’t think you need me to give you any examples of how this can cause conflict in our relationships, as I think we can all envision how constantly believing we are right and feeling defensive if someone questions our reality could cause unnecessary drama.
4. Closeness Communication Bias:
Closeness communication bias occurs when we assume that our loved ones know what we are thinking and feeling without explicitly expressing ourselves. And, more than that, it means we don’t pay enough attention to what our loved ones are saying as we assume we already know what they are going to say.
Closeness communication bias arises when we feel close to people. It isn’t something we choose. Like the previous biases described, it happens outside of our control.
This bias can lead to misunderstandings, unmet expectations, and unnecessary drama in our relationships.
For example, one partner may assume that the other should know what they want for a special occasion, leading to disappointment when their expectations aren't met.
Or, it can occur when one partner feels like the other isn’t listening to them when they are talking… because, well, the truth is… they likely aren’t! Not because they don’t care but because closeness communication bias means they have unconsciously stopped paying attention as (as I have already said) they believe they already know what will be said.
5. Mind Reading:
Mind reading is the tendency to assume that we can know what others are thinking or feeling without seeking clarification. This bias can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and unnecessary drama in our relationships.
It arises when we see someone scowl in the street and we assume it is because they hate us (rather than realising it could be that they just remembered something upsetting, or due to a myriad of other reasons). Or it arises when our boss suddenly stops emailing you after you send in an important piece of work and you assume this silence is a sign they hate your work (rather than that they are busy doing something else that needs their attention).
You now know 5 ways our brains trick us into misjudging and misunderstanding the people we love (and also the people we don't).
You now know about 5 core biases that may cause you to misunderstand the people you care about and subsequently unintentionally create drama. So, what do you need to do disengage from this drama?
1. Recognise your biases.
There are many more biases that affect our understanding of the people around us, and the world too. For a thorough grounding in biases click here. Otherwise, practice looking for those mentioned in this blog, and when you notice one...
2. Practice compassion instead of criticism.
If you notice you start beating yourself for falling into some of the traps outlined in this blog, STOP! We all do this. It is how we are wired as humans. Offer yourself compassion (if that's hard to do, click this link for an exercise in self compassion) instead of dwelling on the past, and then decide what you will do differently going forward.
3. Cultivate empathy for others.
This will help remove some of the judgement that you have for the person you are speaking to. Instead of jumping to conclusions about your partner's intentions or character, make an effort to understand their circumstances, emotions, and external factors that may have influenced their actions. Put yourself in their shoes and consider alternative explanations for their behaviour.
4. Challenge your assumptions.
Question your own beliefs and preconceptions. Ask yourself if there is evidence to support alternative interpretations or perspectives. Consider the possibility that your initial assumptions may not be entirely accurate.
5. Engage in constructive dialogue.
Instead of dismissing differing opinions, engage in conversations with others who have different views. Approach these discussions with a genuine curiosity to understand their perspectives and the underlying reasons for their beliefs. This can help expand your own understanding and challenge naive realism.
FOR BONUS POINTS:
Ask your friends and family to help each other get aware of the times when these biases may get in the way of communication. Working together can have ripple effects across whole networks of people, which means you don't have to be the only one looking out for the biases that cause drama in your life.
That's it for now:
Remember this is only an introduction to biases and the ways they cause drama in our lives. And, we all do it.
If you found this interesting and want to know more about cognitive biases that affect how we understand the world, and also about how we create and stop the drama in our lives... Pre-order a copy of (Un)Stuck: 5 steps to break bad habits and get out of your own way. You deserve to live a life free from drama.
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