I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE! What happens when we define ourselves by our work, and work isn’t going well
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
We are a society obsessed with productivity, status and job roles. For many of us, work is a core part of who we think we are. We define ourselves through our title -“I’m a psychologist”, “a chef”, “a librarian”, “a CEO”.
We define others in the same way. Hence why “what do you do?” is one of the first questions we ask the people we meet.
If we define ourselves in this way what happens when work stops going well? Or we change jobs? Or lose our job?
This blog post will tell you:
what identity is and why feeling like you are failing at work can affect ourself esteem.
how this experience can affect our motivation, leading to a vicious cycle that makes everything worse.
1 step you can take immediately to protect yourself from the feeling of failure.
What is identity
Identity is the answer to the question “Who am I?”.
I like to visualise identity as a jigsaw puzzle. Each piece of this puzzle represents a different part of who you are. For example, my identity includes amongst many other roles: friend, woman, lover, sister, psychologist, (terrible) skateboarder.
We feel our best when our identity jigsaw is made up of multiple pieces, that we have time to nourish.
Having multiple facets of our identity not only makes us feel good. It means that we are less affected by the day-to-day challenges that often arise in life.
For example, if you feel like you are bad at one thing (like me and skateboarding) or if one area of your identity ends up being taken away for some reason (such as if you go through a breakup), only one piece of the multifaceted ‘puzzle of who you are’ is wonky or missing. You may feel upset and/or confused but as long as the other important aspects of your identity remain stable, your identity puzzle remains intact. Or in more simple terms, your identity is not threatened.
In 2021 however, few of us have multifaceted identity puzzles as the majority of our identity puzzle is made up of work.
This may be because we have been socialised to believe work is important, or because we are utterly passionate about our work and give our lives to what we do. Or it may be because COVID-19 and lockdown removed the other activities that were important to us, making work the focus of our week.
When work is the main aspect of our identity, it is like our identity puzzle is made of one large piece. If work then goes badly, or if we lose our job, it is as if a large part (if not most) of the ‘puzzle of who we are’ is removed. There is a metaphorical hole in our self concept leading us to ask questions such as “if I am not good at my job, who am I?”.
This is why people who pin their identity upon their career or work roles are likely to struggle with their identity, self-esteem, and feel deep levels of personal failure the moment work is not going well.
You don’t have to have a ‘high-powered’ career to feel this way. The situation I am talking about can happen any time we pin our identity to any one factor of life.
For example, many new parents I have worked with notice these effects too.
Most new parents feel like they are “bad parents who can’t get it right” at least some of the time. As many new parents are on temporary leave, or have left their careers to look after their kids, the majority of their identity puzzle is now mainly made up of the piece “parent”. When they feel they are struggling in the parenting role they often start to think, “if I can’t do this, what is my purpose? What’s the point in, well, me?!”.
Many new parents battle with feelings of failure and low self-esteem due to this. They are not actually failing. No one can get parenting 100% right. The issue here is not their parenting, it is the lack of balance in their identity (oh and, the impossible pressure placed on parents to do it “perfectly” and to make it looked easy).
Identity and motivation
The next issue we face is that identity directly drives motivation.
I am motivated to write this blog post for you because I am a psychologist. I am someone who shares psychological ideas so that people can understand themselves.
I am not however a police officer, which means I have zero motivation to call people out or chase people down the street for their misdemeanors.
Our identity drives our motivation. And more than that, our motivation usually drives how productive and effective we are in any given situation.
If you pin your identity on your work and then works stops going well, your identity may feel threatened and then… your motivation will drop. If you lose your motivation, what happens then? Often this means you stop working so hard, meaning your output and actual work suffers further contributing to your feeling of failure.
A vicious cycle begins.
What can you do?
1 step you can try now
Now you have a good understanding of why it is important that we never pin our whole identity on one area of life. And why, if work is central to who we are, it doesn’t take much to make us feel unsure of our identity, and like we are failing as humans.
If you feel this, know that how you feel makes sense. Be kind to yourself, especially if you notice your inner critic is getting loud. Then, grab a pen and paper (or open the notes app on your phone) and write down all the pieces of your identity. All the things you care about. Notice which aspects of your identity feel the most important, and which you have been neglecting. Ask yourself whether you think you have a balanced and multifaceted identity puzzle or wether your puzzle is made up nearly exclusively of work.
Decide today what you will do to nurture all aspects of your identity puzzle so that should work go badly, you are not derailed by it. Or so that, should you have lost your job, you have a chance to reconnect with the other things that are important to making you feel like a worthy and multifaceted human, who has so much to offer. As you really all all these things and you deserve to know that too.
What will you start today? Will you reach out to a friend you haven’t spoken to in a long time? Will you start running again, as exercise has always been important to you but has been neglected as of late? Will you start a new hobby that you can do just for fun? This is your permission to become someone who is more than a job.
That’s it for now!
This blog is an introduction. It is now your turn to start working on broadening your sense of self.
There are other factors that affect us when our identity is threatened, such as the fact that these experiences can trigger the fight-flight response, making us feel anxious (or worse), unable to sleep, and like we are stuck in our worry thoughts. If you want to learn more about the fight-flight response, click here.
Likewise, the best thing you can do to manage feelings of failure linked to work and identity is to get to know your values. Once you know what your values are, you will know where to place your energy each day, and you will be able to live a value-driven life that makes you feel fulfilled even when life gets tough, or you lost your job. How do you do that? Pre-order ‘A Manual For Being Human’ to find out. This book will help you understand yourself (not just your values) intimately, and it will help you overcome the struggles you face in life, all without the therapy price tag!
You deserve to understand yourself and to feel good.
Dr Soph xx
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I am a Clinical Psychologist trying to get effective psychological advice out of the therapy room and into everyday life.
If you found this article useful and want to learn more about why you feel the way you do, and how to cope with whatever life throws at you… Pre-order my book “A Manual For Being Human”, which is out on July 8th.
Also, connect with me on Instagram for daily posts to help boost your mood.
