10 Questions to Determine if You Are Self-Sabotaging
Do you ever wonder if you are sabotaging your chance at living the life you want?
If so, this blog is for you. In it, you will:
identify if you are self-sabotaging
learn what to do to overcome your personal form of self-sabotage.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage is anything that we do that either stops us from achieving our goals or from keeping the things we care about once we get our hands on them.
It is usually something we do to feel safe when we feel a little more uncomfortable than we would like. For example, we may procrastinate or not put ourselves forward for the jobs we really want if we fear we will fail. We may hold people at arm’s length in relationships if we worry they will judge us if we let them get close to us.
Self-sabotage helps short term as it helps us avoid our fears and other uncomfortable emotions. In the long term, however, it makes us feel TERRIBLE as it confirms our worst fears. For example, if we never try we may never fail BUT over time most of us start to see our lack of progress as proof we are failures anyway! And, if we never let people close to us, we may prevent people from rejecting us for our personality BUT over time most of us start to feel like there must be something wrong with us anyway as our relationships feel superficial.
Self-sabotage is often unconscious meaning we don’t even realise we are doing it. So, let’s identify if you are getting in your own way, so you can break this cycle.
The Questions
Quick note: We all engage in self sabotage from time to time. There is no shame in that. So, don’t judge yourself if you answer yes to any or many of these questions.
1. Do you frequently procrastinate or avoid tasks? Maybe you decide to tidy the house instead of doing the work you need to do, or you constantly check your social media instead of focusing on your important projects.
If you do this, the first thing you need to do is: Set clear, achievable goals and break them down into smaller, manageable tasks. This can make the prospect of starting less daunting.
2. Do you have difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries? Perhaps you say yes to every request that comes your way, spreading yourself thin, or you struggle to assert your needs in personal relationships, always prioritizing others over yourself.
If you do this, I recommend reading this blog: How Are Your Boundaries? 3 Steps To Setting The Boundaries You Need In Your Relationships. Prioritize your well-being and establish clear boundaries to avoid burnout.
3. Are you constantly engaging in negative self-talk? You might find yourself dwelling on your mistakes and inadequacies, or you constantly doubt your abilities and second-guess your decisions.
If you do this, I recommend two things. Read this blog if you think that negative self talk is helpful in some way, and this blog if you are ready to be kinder to yourself.
4. Do you downplay your achievements or dismiss compliments? Maybe you brush off praise or downplay your accomplishments, or you attribute your successes to luck rather than your efforts.
If you do this, I recommend starting an achievements list. Write down everything you have done each day that feels like a positive step. This list will include the “big wins” and the small ones too. Writing down each accomplishment will help to build your self-belief. Also, start practicing simply saying “thank you” when someone says something nice about you.
5. Are you afraid of failure or success? You might avoid opportunities or self-sabotage when you start making progress toward your goals, or you feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities that come with success.
If you do this, I recommend reframing failure as a learning experience and embracing the potential for success. Read this week’s blog on this. Allow yourself to pursue your goals without fear.
6. Are you resistant to seeking help or support from others? Perhaps you hesitate to reach out for guidance or assistance when needed, or you prefer to shoulder all burdens on your own.
If you do this, I recommend looking to the people you respect who aren’t afraid to ask for help. How do they do this? How does it help them? How do others react when that person says they could do with some support? Once you feel confident that asking for help is acceptable and helpful, decide on one small thing you could ask for help with. Something that doesn’t feel too scary. Ask for help with that thing and see what happens. As you get more confident that asking for support is allowed, slowly build up to bigger topics.
7. Do you have a fear of vulnerability or intimacy? Do you withdraw or build emotional barriers as relationships deepen, or do you avoid sharing your true thoughts and feelings in fear of rejection?
Similar to the solution to question 7, if you do this, you need to start challenging your fears. I recommend gradually opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Set yourself a challenge of doing something that makes you feel slightly vulnerable each day. Start with something small, such as sharing something you are bad at, or telling someone about a worry of yours. See what happens. Building deeper connections often requires trust and emotional risk.
8. Are you stuck in a cycle of self-sabotaging beliefs? Negative beliefs such as "I'm not good enough" or “I should be doing better, shame on me” may be holding you back, or you constantly compare yourself to others, reinforcing these limiting beliefs.
If you do this, a great place to start can be by removing the word “should” from your language. Click here to read a blog that will explain why this word is undermining your chance at feeling good and what you can do about it.
9. Are you resistant to change and personal growth? Perhaps you avoid opportunities for personal development or change, or you stick to your comfort zone, fearing the unknown. Maybe you think change isn’t for you, or that people simply can’t change.
If you do this, begin by examining your beliefs about change and personal growth. Ask yourself why you might be resistant to these concepts. Are there past experiences or fears that have influenced your perspective? Understanding the root of your resistance can be the first step in addressing it. Then challenge your negative assumptions: Is there an example from your life where you did something that surprised you? Is there someone in your life who has proven that if you work hard enough at doing something new, you can get good at it? Look for the evidence for and against your beliefs and then decide what would be a more balanced approach.
10. Do you engage in self-destructive behaviors? Maybe you drink to excess or get involved in unhealthy relationships where people treat you badly or consistently overeat as a way to cope with stress.
If you do this and the impact on your life is mild, I recommend:
Identifying the emotions that you try to manage with these behaviours
Learn coping strategies better suited to meet these emotional states (if you are unsure where to start click this link to learn 2 basic skills to help you relax and this link to learn an easy grounding technique that will help when you feel totally overwhelmed) and
Use your new strategies whenever you notice the trigger emotions arise. If the self-destructive behaviours are more serious, I recommend seeking professional help or support groups, you don’t have to do this alone.
WHAT’S NEXT?
We all get in our own way from time to time. As I said, it is a natural self-defense mechanism that we engage in when we feel intimidated by a situation or an emotion.
You now know where self-sabotage may be getting in your way and what steps you need to take in order to take control of your life.
These are only the starting points. If you are ready to deep dive into this, grab yourself a copy of my book '(Un)Stuck: 5 Steps to Break Bad Habits and Get Out of Your Own Way' today!
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