Empower Yourself: Therapist-Approved Questions to Conquer Self-Sabotage - part 1. (Copy)
So, you know you are self sabotaging and you want to find out how to stop these behaviours. You have come to the right place.
This blog will give you:
4 questions therapists often ask their clients so that you can be your own therapist and stop sabotaging yourself.
This is part 1. It will cover how sabotage helps you in life and how it gets you stuck long term. Part 2 will be out next week.
Sabotage can be sneaky
Recently I’ve been writing a lot about self sabotage - those moments where we get in our own way in order to avoid things we fear or find uncomfortable such as fear of failure, fear of rejection and fear of how people might change towards us should we succeed.
The first step to overcoming self sabotage is knowing we are doing it. That may sound easy, but we often self sabotage without realising it. For example, we may push away the people we date, thinking its because we don’t want them, when in reality we are pushing them away because we are afraid that if we let them get close to us they will reject us and this is too scary. Or, we may talk ourselves out of a job interview as we think it probably won't be that great a job, when in fact we secretly fear that we will be rejected if we try.
These actions are normal, common and need to be identified. So, before we go further, ensure you are clear about when and where you are sabotaging your happiness. If you are unsure how to do this, read this blog “ “ten questions to help you identify if you are self sabotaging” and then return to this page and continue.
The second step to overcoming sabotage is understanding your “Why”. Why do you do it? How it serves you. And, whether it really truly serves you long term.
Becoming your own therapist: Part 1
1. Why Do You Keep Doing This? What Are You Getting Out of It?
Take a moment to examine the self-sabotaging behaviours that might have become habitual.
For instance, think about that time you kept postponing an important project. What did it bring you - a sense of relief or more anxiety?
When you pushed the person you were dating away, did you feel a temporary sense of calm that they couldn’t reject you first? Or something else?
Whenever you catch yourself in the act, reflect on what these actions are bringing into your life. Notice if there was any sense of relief, removal of a fear maybe.
Self-sabotage is all about trying to find a feeling of safety when things feel scary or uncomfortable. Once you have identified your “why” then you will know what the actual problems are going forward. E.g. procrastinating puts off my fear of failure, and rejecting people avoids my fear of rejection.
Going forwards we will want to address these fears.
2. Are You Being True to Yourself? What are your values?
The main reason we self sabotage is to avoid fears and discomfort. Another reason, however, is that we often self-sabotage if we try to do things that are not actually valuable to us, but are what we think we should do because someone else said to. E.g. if we are stopping smoking because someone else says we must.
So, ask yourself, what do you really value in life? What is important to you and why? How would starting this new activity, getting your work done, or dating someone long term change your life for the better? What values would it meet? How much would you like those things to be in your life? If you can’t think of any values that it would meet, did someone else suggest you do this? Are you doing it for them rather than yourself?
Once you know these values, what you want if you are being true to yourself, you will know what tasks should genuinely be avoided and which you should persist with even when they feel scary.
3. Let's Be Honest, How Does This Behavior Really Help You?
Sabotage helps us in the short term. It removes our discomfort, our fears and sometimes even alerts us to the fact that we simply do not want to be doing this task at all.
In the long term however, when we avoid all the things we fear, we go on to prove our worst fears to be true.
For example, if we procrastinate because we fear failure, we may see the fact that we never get our work done or done well, as proof that we are indeed failures. If we constantly push people away because of a fear of rejection, over time we may start to see our single status as proof that we are indeed unlovable.
Ask yourself about the long term impact of the sabotage you have been engaging in. Is it starting to wear you down and confirm your worst fears? Are you feeling more sure that all your worst most critical thoughts are true? Is it time therefore to face your fears?
4. Think Back: What Were Your Best Moments? What Made You Proud?
Recall your previous achievements.
Remember that moment when you aced a difficult exam? How did it make you feel? What did you go through to get to that point?
Remember when you pushed through with a work deadline, you didn’t know if you would get it done but you did! Well done you!
When we think about self-sabotage we often beat ourselves up,, and start to think “oh my god I will never be able to change these things!” so, let's take a moment to focus on your previous successes and prove to you that you are many more things than a saboteur. Visualise each of your best moments and why they made you proud. See them as proof that you are capable of doing hard and scary things.
YOU CAN OVERCOME YOUR FEARS!
That’s it for now.
These 4 questions will help you identify why you sabotage, what really matters to you, and how the sabotage is affecting your life long term. It will also show you that you are able to do hard things, and overcome the scary stuff so that you know that you have the ability to face these fears going forward.
In the next blog we will cover the next questions you need to answer in order to overcome your personal self sabotage.
See you then!
P.S. Remember, this is just the beginning. To dive even deeper into this journey of self-improvement, consider exploring my book, '(Un)Stuck: 5 Steps to Break Bad Habits and Get Out of Your Own Way.' It provides a more comprehensive roadmap for dealing with self-sabotage.
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