Where Does Anger Come From? The three Main Reasons You Feel Angry (and What To Do About It).
Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash
Anger is the least well-understood emotion and it is the least accepted in our society. This means few of us are taught what it is, why we might feel it, and what to do when this powerful emotion comes knocking at our door.
This blog post will teach you:
What anger is.
The three main routes to anger so that you can identify why you feel it when you do inevitably feel it.
How to address these roots of anger to better manage it when it arises.
Anger is not bad. It is useful.
Does that title surprise you? Did you read that and think, “useful? Anger isn’t useful! It’s destructive and overwhelming!” If you did, you’re not alone. Most people fear anger, thinking it is an emotion to be avoided. I understand this as many of us associate anger with shouting, fighting, and raging.
When anger explodes out of someone, it can be extremely destructive and also terrifying. If this is the only way we see anger being expressed we may then assume that this is what will happen any time someone gets angry.
However, anger itself is not a problem. The mismanagement of anger is a problem. And, as few of us have been taught what anger is or how to manage it, we often only see it being displayed in damaging ways.
How is anger useful?
All emotions have a purpose. They provide us with the physical energy and drive we need in order to avoid the things in life that could endanger us and to turn towards the activities and items that could help us thrive - If you have been following my blog for a while, you already know this but if you haven’t read my blog on emotions yet, click here.
You and I are here today because anxiety caused our ancestors to worry about what could go wrong in the future. This in turn helped them prepare for and avoid anything that could end our species. Fear helped our ancestors run for their life from dangers they hadn’t anticipated. And, anger gave our ancestors the energy they needed to turn towards and fight against any threat or danger that needed to be met head-on. E.g. should someone have tried to steal our ancestor’s food supplies.
Anger is, therefore, integral to our survival as a species. We need it.
But… we also need to understand it because 1) in modern times anger doesn’t only arise at the appropriate moment. And, 2) sometimes it overwhelms us, making us turn towards and lash out at things we perceive to be threatening but aren’t.
Here are the three main reasons why you may be feeling angry.
Anger reason 1: You are in danger and anger is there to give you the energy to survive
A quick recap: Anger is an emotional response linked to the fight-flight response - the emotion system that prepares us to run or fight for our life should danger ever cross our path (read this post for more information on the fight-flight response).
The emotions linked to this response are fear (which generally makes us run the other way from threat), anxiety (which makes us anticipate anything that could go wrong) and anger...
Anger is the emotional response that causes us to turn towards threat and to fight for our life. It is the emotion that would cause a mother to fight anyone who tries to endanger their child. Or a person to fight to protect a friend who is being bullied or harmed.
It is the emotion you will be extremely grateful for, should you ever find yourself in real life-or-death danger that requires you to turn and face the threat. It will make you feel invincible and may even give you superhuman strength that will help you survive a scenario you never imagined you could overcome.
Anger is therefore the energy you need to fight your way out of danger.
Sometimes, however, it needs to be kept in check.
I recently experienced road rage. Someone cut me up on a motorway. Rage surged through my body. I slammed my fist down on the horn. Shouting WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US BOTH! I was livid.
This anger was due to a perceived threat to my survival.
Knowing this was the reason for my rage meant that after the initial sweary response I was able to act on this emotion in an appropriate way - I didn’t just keep swearing at the other driver, chasing him down the road, which I have seen many other people do. I pulled into the next service station, paced around the car park letting the energy dissipate while telling myself I was safe now. I then called my friend and told her what happened, I ranted at first and then had a little cry and then soothed the part of me that was terrified.
When we know that anger arises when we feel endangered we can repspond to the situation causing the anger, and to ourselves appropriately. We can either use the rage to fight to survive should we find ourselves in actual danger and/or, we can decide to tend to the fear rather than act on the rage should the threat not be imminent.
When you feel anger it is important to ask yourself…
Do I feel angry because I feel under threat in some way? If the answer is yes, the next question is am I actually under threat? Is the threat still here? Or do I simply feel in danger still?
The answer to these questions will then help you know how to release that anger.
If you are still in danger, use that energy to fight to survive. If you are not, is anger the best way to proceed? For me, in the car incident, it certainly wasn’t. I needed to stop the car, let that feeling out and then soothe myself.
TOP TIP: As we have learned in my previous blog posts, our brain doesn’t know the difference between real threats to our life and the things that we just find scary. So sometimes it activates anger in response to perceived threats sending us into a rage spiral at inappropriate times. Always be curious about your emotions. Ask, is this a real or imagined threat?
Anger reason 2: Anger arises in the face of injustice
Modern-day humans face different threats to our ancestors who had to fight off tigers and interlopers who stole their precious food supplies. But anger still arises inside us, trying to protect us when we face modern-day threats.
The most common reason for this anger is injustice. Have you noticed this? That you experience a rush of adrenaline, and an urge to turn towards and fight against any situation where we feel an injustice has occurred? Or when we feel someone has violated a boundary that is important to us?
Bullying and social injustice cause me a large amount of anger for example. And that anger lets me know that something unfair and unacceptable is happening in the world that needs to be attended to. That anger is useful. It is a signal and it is energy that I, and many others who feel angry in this way, are able to use to channel our efforts towards making a change in society.
Other moments that cause myself and people I know anger include those times in work where the same people are promoted and the same people are overlooked. And when you are speaking and someone else isn’t listening to you AGAIN. SO FRUSTRATING! Can you think of times where you have felt angry because something unjust was happening?
When anger arises in response to injustice, or someone breaking a rule of yours it makes sense.
The level of anger we experience will depend on 1) how personally challenging/threatening we find the injustice and 2) how we usually feel and respond to anger - for example, anger perpetuates anger meaning that people who have been quick to anger in the past are likely to be quick to anger in the future.
For some people their fight response will only be minor, they will simply feel annoyed and will have the urge to act upon that annoyance. For some, that response will be much stronger. The energy of anger will surge through their body, and they may notice themselves shouting and vying for a fight before they even realise they’re angry.
Now we know about this second reason for anger, the next time you feel angry you can add to the previous question of “Do I feel angry because I feel under threat in some way?”… “Am I angry as I believe an injustice has occurred? Am I angry because someone has broken a boundary of mine that was important to me?”
If the answer is yes, your next question will be: “What do I need to do with this anger in order to communicate the problem that has arisen? Can I channel this energy I have into changing the situation?”
If you feel overwhelmed by the anger you feel, you may also want to take a breather before you make any decisions about how you wish to act. We will talk about the times we feel extremely angry later on in this blog post.
Anger reason 3: We feel vulnerable, sad, or rejected.
Few people know this but a common reason for anger is vulnerability, sadness, and rejection. This is perhaps the least commonly understood reason for anger.
For example, many people notice they feel angry when someone cancels their joint plans. And this anger could happen for many reasons including “they are disrespecting my time”, “that person is so unreliable I can’t believe I thought they would actually meet me this time”. It could also happen because that person feels rejected and sad.
Rejection is physically painful (read this blog for more on the physical sensations of rejection). And few of us have been taught how to deal with the pain of rejection. Likewise, few of us have been taught that it is ok to be vulnerable. That it is ok to be sad.
Instead, most of us have been taught we are meant to be strong at all times, and that if we show our vulnerability other people will think we are weak.
Due to this, any feeling of rejection, vulnerability or sadness, may lead our brain to think we are in danger. The kind of danger where others will think less of us. This is not a real threat to our lives but, remember, our brain only has one way to respond to perceived threats (the fight-flight response) and so, when this kind of threat is detected anger springs up in our defense.
Suddenly we go from feeling small and vulnerable to feeling full of adrenaline, and this makes us feel powerful again.
The problem here is that responding with anger during times where we feel rejected, vulnerable or sad creates new problems:
It distracts from the actual emotional response and situation that created the anger in the first place, meaning we don’t attend to our actual emotional needs.
If we act on the anger, and lash out or get snarky with the person who made us feel rejected, this usually pushes the other person away from us. They either withdraw or fight back. This is the opposite of what we want and need when we feel rejected, vulnerable and sad. And it’s ironic, as, when we get angry because we feel rejected and we often, unfortunately, act in ways that make it more likely we will actually be rejected by the person we want close to us.
When you next feel angry, rather than leaning into the anger, the next question to ask yourself therefore is: Am I feeling angry because I feel rejected? Vulnerable? Sad?
If the answer is yes, the next question is: What can I do to soothe those feelings rather than act in anger?
If for example your friend really has cancelled your plans to meet up, and you feel hurt, rather than get angry with them, could you say to them “I feel sad that I won’t see you, I was really looking forward to our catch up. Can we rearrange?”.
Practice these questions when calm
It is important to practice asking yourselves these questions when you feel frustrated but relatively calm still. Getting into the habit of doing this so that this way of thinking comes naturally to you when you feel angry.
When we are extremely angry, our ability to think clearly and logically goes offline. A mist descends and all we see is red, which means that it may feel impossible to ask these questions at that point.
Seeing red
Once we are overwhelmed by anger the emotion stops being useful.
Why? Because high levels of anger mean we lose the ability to process what is happening around us clearly. Suddenly we hear every word and see every action that is made towards us as a threat, further escalating our rage. Suddenly we feel like we are under attack, or trapped like an animal in a corner and our only possible response is to fight back. Once we hit this point it is very difficult to calm down. And, it is very difficult to know whether people are truly attacking us or whether we are misinterpreting what they are saying - as, once in a rage state, our brain can trick us into thinking everyone is against us, even when they are not.
If you get overwhelmed by anger, ‘time out’ is going to be your friend going forwards. Any time you notice anger arising in your body, pause. The anger will make you want to keep turning towards whatever has upset you but instead, you choose to say “I need a moment” or just walk away from the situation until you feel calm and able to process what has happened. You may need a few minutes. Or you may need 24 hours.
Or if you received an email that triggered your anger, promise yourself you will take a minimum of 24 hours before you respond. This will ensure you are able to think clearly about what was said or what happened, and then, you can make your response.
I also recommend that you compile a list of triggers, and make a plan when calm that details how you will manage these triggers when they arise in the future - e.g:
“I never respond to emails about x instantly.”
“Whenever I go to Y’s house, where I almost always get mad, I will go for regular walks to get out of the house anytime I feel the tension rising”.
“I will do breathing and grounding exercises before and after every meeting with Z”.
Responsibility
While anger is important and, we can make sense of anger, we have a level of responsibility when anger arises. That responsibility is to not immediately buy into and act on the feelings of anger that arise inside us.
Now you know three main reasons for anger, you have the tools necessary to get curious about your feelings of anger. You can ask why it arises for you in each situation, and when you know the reason behind the anger, you can tend to the feeling appropriately.
If it arose because you were in danger, once the danger is over, you may want to release that anger and tend to the fear that you may be carrying.
If it arose due to injustice, you may want to think of ways to channel that angry energy into challenging that injustice.
If it arose due to rejection, vulnerability or sadness, you may want to find ways to communicate the hurt you feel, and then spend time soothing yourself.
If you notice anger arises too quickly for you to be able to get curious about it, mindfulness will help you slow this process down. Click here for more on mindfulness.
Sometimes, however, there are no easy ways to understand the anger we feel, or to let it go. For those times use:
This grounding tool (the 54321 exercise).
And, also exercise - get running or boxing, let that energy move through your body.
That’s it for now.
Anger is a powerful emotion. When misunderstood and mismanaged it can create significant problems in our lives. When understood and managed correctly anger, however, it can help us survive and thrive and make really important changes in the world (if we choose to channel it to fight injustice for example).
I am happy to say you now have the information you need in order to understand why you feel angry. And you have the first steps that you can use to manage your anger in the future. That’s more knowledge than most people acquire about anger in a lifetime. Go you!
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I am a Clinical Psychologist trying to get effective psychological advice out of the therapy room and into everyday life.
If you found this article useful and want to learn more about why you feel the way you do, and how to cope with whatever life throws at you… Pre-order my book “A Manual For Being Human”, which is out on July 8th.
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